The room was dark but I could see his image stagger towards me. This was the second time he was making his way into my room today. I could already feel my heart beat fast like it does whenever I see this beast at night. My palms were sweaty and cold. But there was absolutely nothing I could do, at least nothing occurred to me right away. I laid still, pretending to be asleep, like I always did until I felt his rash grip on my arm. He turned me towards himself and slapped me on my cheek. I couldn’t scream or he would suppress it with the pillow on my bed. I couldn’t cry, it only made him happier. I laid there, my mind racing with hatred and disgust as he mounted the bed, callously tucking my frail body underneath his. He bent towards me and I tried to push his face from mine. He grabbed both my hands in one of his and pressed them to the bed, above my head. I was helpless. I laid still as he had his way with me. Experience taught me it was better to stay still. It hurts a lot less.
The room was well lit but I couldn’t see anything. My tears were far too thick to permit clear visibility. I sat on the edge of my bed, hugging my pillow tightly to my chest, because it was the only thing that listened to my tears. I felt completely empty even though I was just fifteen. I hated my life. I hated the person doing this to me- the very person I was supposed to love. I hated that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. No one would believe me. No one would even listen to me. I hated my indefense and gutlessness. I’d often envisaged stabbing him, even gone as far as hiding the knife under my pillow, waiting to execute the plan. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. He’s my father after all. And even if mum acts like she doesn’t care about me or anyone, I know the last thing she wanted was to be a widow. No, she’s too flashy and chic for that.
That night, I knew I had to do something. No matter what, I had to fight back. So I laid waiting for him, a can of pepper spray tucked carefully under my pillow which I intended to spray on that thing he plunged into me. I’d had a strenuous day of period cramps and I knew notwithstanding, he’d still want to have his way with me. The dog! I turned uncomfortably on my bed. I was really tired, sleepy but I didn’t want to be taken by surprise. So, I lay quiet, listening to the clock tick away by my bed side, waiting for my monster father to come sleep with me again. I started dozing off until I heard my door creak open. I stiffened. Slowly, I ran my hand underneath my pillow and clinged to the pepper spray. I lay still, but my breath was heavy and my heartbeat rapid. The footsteps were increasingly towards me.
“I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do”, I thought.”
TO BE CONTINUED…